Goodbye Delilah

So the truth is that I've been thinking about this post for a while now. It's been one of those topics that I wanted to write about, but also wanted to avoid writing on. Plus it seems like there's been little time to write as I've been going to practically every conference imaginable. I shouldn't delay it further though. It's time to share.

As I recently reread the story of Samson and Delilah from Judges 16, I was struck anew by the devastation that Delilah brings upon Samson. She doesn't actually love him, but uses his affection for her to her own advantage. It made me sad to see a woman use a man in this way. And it saddened me even more when I thought about how I can often do the same thing.

You see, I had already been chewing on this very topic after listening to "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato. In the song, she compares her behavior toward guys that she doesn't actually care about with the way she acts when she is truly interested in a guy. In the one instance, she acts like Delilah as she confidently manipulates men for the sake of her own gain, and "plays them like a Ken doll." In the other situation, (what I'd call the beginning stages of red love) she is extremely eager to impress, but gets "so nervous" that she feels "paralyzed," as though she doesn't even know how to act like herself. After listening to the lyrics carefully, I was amazed at how closely my own life reflected that same contrast. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I get pretty scared of dying alone and unloved. And it's a problem that leads me into foolishness. I know the kind of guy that I'm looking for, and I'm committed to waiting for him. But when I start to see glimpses of interest from other guys, I really act against my better judgment and allow my fears to thrust me into Delilah mode.

Here's how it all goes down: Once I notice a guy who impresses me enough to make me nervous, I commit to trusting the Lord and waiting as long as it takes for him to stop being oblivious and actually pursue me. But then nothing happens. And after waiting for what seems like an eternity, I get impatient. Then the fear kicks in. I start to think, "This man is never going to love me. Ever. This is sick and twisted that I'm waiting for something that's never going to happen. Won't someone please love me?!?" And then it happens. Another guy shows me attention. He might even give me "the look." And it's nice to not be invisible. For someone to notice I'm alive. To actually care. To show some interest about my life. And he seems like an ok guy. He's not on the "absolutely not" list. But he definitely doesn't impress me enough to make me nervous nor does he remind me of Jesus in a way that truly stirs my heart. Thus begins the fight between my desire to be loved, my conscience, my desire to obey the Lord, and my inner sense of idealism. At the end of the fight, I arrive at the conclusion that I can't marry the guy who's expressing interest, so I can't date him, and I can't respond to him in a way that would make him want to keep giving me attention. 

The problem arises when I can't bring myself to act in accordance with my conclusions. I get scared to continue on my seemingly endless path of feeling alone and unloved. Because I actually want to be pursued, probably more than most anything else. But if I just let this man continue to give me attention when I'm convinced that the relationship won't go anywhere, I don't choose to love him more than myself; I use him for my own gain. And that's not the kind of woman God has called me to be.

Plus let's face the facts here. Savoring the attention of someone you're not actually interested in marrying doesn't give you what you want anyway. It's more like an anesthetic for your heart. And in the end the pain is worse than if you just endured and sought true healing instead of a temporary numbness. But thankfully, the Lord extends that healing to us. He knows that our sins and unfaithfulness to Him have left us so broken that He's the only one who can mend our hearts and make us whole. "Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up" (Hosea 6:1).

In the midst of all the devices we use to numb our pain, the Lord is the one who's jealous for our hearts. He's been pursuing us the whole time. No matter how convinced we are that we're alone and completely unloved, He is declaring His faithful, everlasting love over us.

Why then would we ever want to use this fake, heart-numbing, short term solution when we could have something real and enduring?

And if we already have a secure love with the Lord, we can fight our self-protective fear and actually take the risk of letting ourselves imagine a future with someone who seems far above us, someone unattainable, someone who makes us forget how to speak in normal sentences. And we can choose to do good to them, whether or not they ever return the affection. That's surely what Jesus has done for us. He committed to love us long before we ever loved Him, and continues to love us, despite the ways we still reject Him, even as we love our own glory more than we love Him. He was willing to pay the penalty and bear the cost for it all. 

So as we seek to say goodbye to our own inner Delilah, our only hope lies with Jesus. He does not condemn us, but offers covering for sin and power for real change. This is such good news! Because when I take a good hard look at how real my sin is, I start thinking, "I am a menace to society. I really need to be kept locked up somewhere so that I don't have a chance to harm anyone and I can just love Jesus and not do anything horrible." But the truth is that Jesus died for menaces like me and like you so that we could be made new. That means we don't have to be trapped by our old self-seeking agendas, but we're free to love God and love others all the more.

Because Loving Him is Real and Red!

What other ways do you find yourself trying to numb your pain? 

How have you learned to cling to Jesus, instead?