Worth the Wait

*12/7/12

 This weekend, for the second time in my entire life, I had the opportunity to select my very own Christmas tree. My friend Faith and her family have a tradition of cutting down their tree together each year before Christmas, and they have been gracious enough to include me for the past 2 years. As I recalled the general merriment of our last tree excursion, I expected this time to be an equally enjoyable experience. But I never anticipated that the Christmas tree selection process would also help teach me an invaluable life lesson.

After stepping into the world of Christmas trees, Faith made her decision rather quickly. I however, was unable to do the same. As the minutes ticked by and I still continued to look, I began to feel an internal sense of pressure to speed up my search. But as Faith made suggestions about trees for me to consider, I couldn't help but notice things that bothered me. They were fine trees. And I wanted someone to have them. But they just weren't my tree. So I kept looking.

As I considered tree after tree, I began to wonder if there was even a tree out there that was right for me. Maybe I would just leave the tree farm empty handed. Maybe I should have just gone ahead and chosen one of the other trees even though I had doubts about them. Was it too late to go back and find one of those other “ok” trees? Had I let all my chances pass me by?

But then something happened that broke through my barrage of internal questions. I spotted it. A beautiful tree. All of the other trees just faded into a distant memory. I didn't hesitate to deliberate about this tree's flaws as I had done with the others. Instead, I stood there, marveling at it's perfection. Immediately, I knew it was the one. This tree had been worth the wait.

As I grabbed the saw to confirm the finality of my decision, I realized that all the fears I had about choosing one of the others trees were now gone. A wave of relief passed over me. Why had I been so nervous that I wouldn't find what I was looking for? Why had I even considered settling for a tree that I wasn't excited to call my very own?

And that's when it hit me. The fears I had about finding the right Christmas tree were the same fears I had about getting married. Actually, it's scary how similar my inner monologues have been on the two subjects.

As friends around me have been getting married, I have begun to feel the internal pressure that I need to hurry up and get married too or at least get a boyfriend so I can move in that direction. Then when it's seeming to take a long time, I begin to wonder if I will ever get married. Is there even a guy out there who's right for me? Maybe I'll die single. Maybe I should have just gone ahead and married one of the guys who expressed interest in the past even though I had doubts about them. Was it too late for me? Had I given up all my chances of getting married?

And yet, as I stood there with my wonderful Christmas tree, it was blatantly obvious that waiting a little longer was entirely worth it. The joy I was now experiencing made my fears seem silly in comparison. And if waiting for the right Christmas tree could bring such joy, how much more would there be in waiting for the right man to marry! Wouldn't it seem that waiting for a husband would be even more worth it? I think so. Whoever he may be, I have to believe that he's well worth the wait.

But the scary thing about waiting is that there's no guarantee that you'll actually get the thing you're waiting for. There's a risk involved. What if I had scoured the entire Christmas tree farm and never found the tree I was looking for? What if I wait my entire life for the kind of man I'm interested in marrying but still never end up getting married? These are real possibilities. Yet these are risks I'm willing to take, not just because I'm hoping that the risk will pay off in this life, but because I have decided to view my life through the lens of eternity.

What do I mean? Well, if you're not considering the existence of anything beyond this life, and if there's not really a guarantee that “good things come to those who wait,” then it would really only make sense to just “take whatever you can get.” There's no sense in waiting. And then the most you can really hope for is that you'll be one of the lucky ones who just happens to end up with the best of all the good things life has to offer. But then you die and you lose everything you had gained. Sad, I know...

If however, there really is an afterlife, then that totally changes everything. Here's how Paul compares this life with eternity for those who have put their hope in Christ:

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us...For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience” (Romans 8:18, 24-25).

Paul says that we have hope, knowing that what we're truly waiting for can be found in heaven, and once we have the thing we really want, we won't even remember all the other “ok” things we gave up while here on earth. So we can wait for this “glory to be revealed” patiently, because unlike the things we wait for on earth, there is actually a guarantee that we'll get what we're waiting for.

So what is this guaranteed “glory that is to be revealed to us” that's totally worth the wait? Can it really help drive away the fears that revolve around the possibility of never getting good things like marriage during our time on earth? Absolutely! It's a better marriage to the perfect husband!

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:1-4)

For those whose sins have been washed away by the blood of Christ, we will be clothed in white, like a bride, and presented to our groom, Jesus, in the most epic wedding celebration of all time. And when we're with Him, He will take care of all the sadness and all the pain we felt during this life so that we never have to experience such misery ever again. Wow! What an amazing picture of what we have to look forward to!

How then can this help me wait for a guy I would be excited to marry (like I waited for my Christmas tree)? Well, since I will most certainly be part of the most amazing wedding in history, I don't have to let the fear of never getting married dictate my life. I can wait when God has called me to wait without second guessing myself. I can pray diligently that God would provide the kind of man I'm longing for. But whether or not I see that provision here on earth, I can continue to trust Him. Either way, I'll be reminded of my desire for heaven. Not getting what I long for drives me to desire heaven – to set my heart on the only guaranteed happy ending. And getting what my heart longs for drives me to desire heaven just as much, because any happiness or joy I experience here on earth is just a broken picture of the marvelous joys that I'll experience in heaven forever. All of this just serves to help me fall more in love with this God of grace, who has loved me so well and sent His Son to die for me – His enemy – so that I could become His bride.

What a great God we have who beautifully orchestrates our lives, using every circumstance and longing of our hearts to point us to our greater longing for Him! Who knew that He would even use something as simple as choosing a Christmas tree to remind me that Jesus is worth the wait…

Jesus is most certainly worth it, and Loving Him is Red!

Can anyone else relate to these struggles?

What Scriptures have reminded you that Jesus is worth the wait?

*This post was originally published as a Facebook note on 12/7/12 and is now making an appearance on the blog due to popular demand :)

Grace: God's Wrecking Ball

If you're like me and went to the DiscipleMakers Fall Conference this past weekend, then you may have come back deeply challenged by God's Word. Thankfully, the Lord knows me well enough to know that He should reinforce the things He's teaching me with song lyrics in order to help it all sink in. So I might even go as far as to say that the weekend wrecked me. But the wrecking had really started weeks before...

Let me back up a little bit. A few weeks ago, a friend asked me what I thought of Miley's hit single, Wrecking Ball. At the time, I hadn't thought about it enough to have a real answer. So I started to listen to it, filtering it through a gospel lens as is my habit of doing with pop culture artifacts. 

I wasn't really making much progress until one fateful evening when my roommate decided it would be a good idea to learn to trim hair by practicing on me. I tend to be pretty particular about my hair, so I was somewhat hesitant at first, but she was just so excited about it that it was hard for me to refuse. Besides, it was only a trim. So I put on Wrecking Ball for some background tunes, and handed over the scissors.  

But it quickly ended up being much more than a trim. It accidentally morphed into a major haircut. And as I stood gaping at my considerably shortened hair, the refrain that stuck in my head was, "You wreck me." My first instinct was to blame my roommate as the one who wrecked me. Upon a second consideration, however, it occurred to me that perhaps the Lord was actually using this as part of His bridge burning project. He had wrecked me. And it was good for Him to do so. He was helping me to focus on the imperishable.

As I reflected on the whole thing later that night, here's the passage that came to mind: 


"1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? ² You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. ³ You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. ⁴ You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. ⁵ Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? ⁶ But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” ⁷ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹ Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you" (James 4:1-10).

Here, James reminds us that at the center of every conflict (or potential conflict) we are sure to find: the warring desires of our hearts (v. 1-3) and the God who is battling to be our first love (v. 4-10). He even calls us spiritual adulterers (v. 4) because we give the love that God deserves to other things. And the way that the Lord fights for our hearts is with a jealous grace (v. 5-6). So my hair crisis was more than an accident. It was an opportunity, sovereignly and graciously planned by God Himself, for me to examine what my heart was really worshipping and then to choose to worship Jesus instead. And to my surprise, I actually did that. I repented of worshipping my appearance and turned to Jesus, thanking Him for loving me so much that He would go to such drastic measures to even mess with my hair in order to help me love Him more. It was an amazing evidence that God's bridge burning had been making a difference in my life. The power of the gospel was truly changing my heart! What a victory!

But the coming days were harder. That little victory was a shining moment in the midst of the constant battle. All the things were sad. First, I was pretty horrified to look in the mirror, because on top of my hair struggles, my allergy induced puffy-red eyes came back with a vengeance. I literally looked like a zombie. And nothing seemed to help. I seriously didn't even want to go out in public. Plus the song that I was writing was not coming together the way I hoped and was causing all sorts of internal emotional turmoil. And to top it all off, I was having conflict with people on every side. So when you add those things together, I was struggling, but thankful for how God was at work through it. 

That's when I went to the conference last weekend. And there was a very real war going on inside me. I desperately didn't want to feel ugly at an event where I would have to be in front of 400 people. But I also desperately wanted to choose to put my hope in Jesus and the perfection of His beauty instead of in mine. And I longed for the song that I had been working on to go well.  But I also longed to be freed from closing my fist over that desire so that God could be worshipped in the way that would be most pleasing to Him. The war was raging between my kingdom and God's kingdom. 

As you can imagine, God's kingdom prevailed. I wanted Him to win, but it's just such a painful process. The wrecking ball of God's grace kept crashing into my life and my heart to tear my kingdom down. He used the devastating combination of disappointments from my idols as well as His powerful Word to make me all the more desperate to be changed by Him. So as I heard the Scriptures preached over the weekend and felt myself being exposed as a sinner, again, the words rang in my head. "You wreck me." And that's what I needed. That's what I always need.


Because our idols wreck us in a bad way. They leave us ruined and hopelessly disappointed. But God's the one behind it all, and He has redemptive purposes for His wrecking. He wrecks for our good. Our merciful God loves us enough to oppose our pride and selfishness so that we can become the person He intended us to be - someone who reflects Him. He destroys the kingdoms we're intent on building for ourselves so that we can refocus on the only kingdom worth building - His. God's plan crashes into ours, not because He's malicious, but because He's full of grace. And His jealous grace is the wrecking ball that shatters our hearts, not so that we can remain broken, but so that He can truly heal us as He makes us like His Son. 

When it comes down to it, Jesus was the one God truly wrecked. Unlike us, Jesus never tried to build a kingdom apart from His Father. He never committed spiritual adultery as we do. Yet, on the cross, the Father crushed Him for our sins. So when God's wrecking ball comes at us, it's only to train us in holiness. Jesus already took the fatal blow of God's wrath, and all there's left for us is His boundless grace! 

So whether we find ourselves wrecked as a result of our idolatry, just by the fact that we live in a fallen world, or because His Word has convicted our hearts, our gracious God is surely there at the center of the wrecking. He is sovereign and has orchestrated all things to point us to our need for Him. Through it all, our loving Savior is asking us to let Him win the war for our hearts, asking us to put Him first. Thankfully, for Christians, Jesus' victory is guaranteed. He has won the war over sin. And He won't stop with His grace til His kingdom finally reigns in our hearts!

As His jealous grace wrecks us, Loving Him is Red.

How have you found yourself wrecked by God's grace?

Imperishable

Let me just state the obvious for a second. When given the choice, I think all of us would admit that it's much more logical to choose something that is guaranteed to last as opposed to something that is guaranteed to break. But honestly, in the case of beauty, I am much more inclined to spend my time trying to make something that will break into something that will last. You may remember me sharing about one facet of this long time struggle in The Cost of Beauty - Not Worth Your Soul. As I'm sure is true of many of you, the struggle hasn't gone away...

This past month alone has included: an intense allergy attack that literally made it look like I had been punched in both eyes, a number of bad hair days in which my rebellious locks refused to do anything cooperative, several smudged nails in the midst of an attempt to give myself a perfect manicure, and last but not least, a red bump on my forehead caused by a head on collision with a flying iPhone. 

It's not like these things were earth shattering occurrences. But at every step of the way, I found myself getting annoyed with these little hindrances to my preferred physical appearance and thought to myself, "Is it really so much to ask to have my hair look cute today?" or "All I want is for my stupid nails to just turn out nicely for once!" And as I focused more and more intently on fixing each glaring flaw, I couldn't help but think, "God is answering my prayer to take away my idols by burning my bridges down."

Quite honestly though, most of the time, I would really just prefer if God simply granted my wish for external beauty without challenging my tendency to worship outward appearance. In other words, I would rather have Him let me be satisfied with beauty that fades than have Him teach me about beauty that does not. Because if He teaches me about beauty that lasts, then that will probably include suffering, as has been the case in my month of beauty fails, and maybe even worse... 

How do I know that?

Mostly because of what I've been recently reminded of in 1 Peter: 

^"3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷ so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹ obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:3-9)

At the beginning of his letter, Peter takes time in verse 3 to remind His audience that because of what Jesus has accomplished through His death and resurrection, Jesus is now eternally alive, and He is their hope! He then goes on in verse 4 to tell them that part of this hope is the lasting inheritance or treasure that's in store for them in heaven. But Peter is sensitive to the fact that these people have truly been suffering, so though he recognizes they have many reasons to rejoice in what Jesus has done for them in verse 6, Peter doesn't want to ignore the difficult things they have been going through. So in verse 7, he graciously reminds them that though these trials have grieved them, the result is that these temporary hardships are shaping their faith into something that is increasingly precious and genuine.

I think that's encouraging even just in and of itself.

But what's even more interesting is the similar way that Peter talks to women about beauty in chapter 3 of that same letter.

^"3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— ⁴ but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. ⁵ For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, ⁶ as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening." (1 Peter 3:3-6)

Notice the words that I italicized in both chapters 1 and 3. Peter uses the same word to describe the inheritance in 1:4 as he uses to describe the beauty he wants women to cultivate in 3:4 - imperishable. Not only that, but he also uses the same word to characterize their faith in 1:7 as he does when he refers again to the internal beauty of the heart in 3:4 - precious. And the word hope is used in both passages - referring to a living hope in 1:3 and hope in God in 3:5. 

It's as if Peter is saying, "I know that the things you can see - like your outward circumstances and the way you look- might seem really important, but actually, the things that are unseen - like your faith and the beauty of your heart - are the things that truly have lasting value. So if you put your hope in God, instead of all the externals, you are choosing to focus on something that does not fade. Your faith grows and becomes more precious - more beautiful - because you are choosing to put your hope in something that will stay intact forever."  

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all about celebrating external beauty in a way that gives glory to God for creating us in His image. But what I don't want to be about is celebrating it in a way that turns what's meant to be used to worship our Creator into a way to worship self, since that's surely the very pride and self-centeredness that God is opposing in me when He brings these continual beauty fails into my life. 

So when all of my efforts to cultivate outward beauty fail me, it is God's gracious reminder that nothing else can be my living hope except for Jesus. It's His way of fighting for my heart, as He calls me to turn to Him in humble repentance and reminds me of the lasting inheritance in store for me in heaven. Instead of allowing me to foolishly set my heart on beauty that will fade, He wants to cultivate real, unfading, and imperishable beauty within my soul through His Spirit at work inside me. And He won't give up til all this bridge burning is done and He sees me in glory.

Even when His goodness and pursuant love is annoying, Loving Him is Red!

How has the Lord been teaching you about things that have lasting value versus things that fade?



And...just for fun! In case you want some music to think about, check out this amazing cover of Royals by Pentatonix that I've been listening to on repeat. It's a song that exposes part of the trouble of putting hope in externals, but really only offers the solution of an imaginary world instead of true hope.

Burn My Bridges Down

It's hard to even know where to start when it comes to all the things that God has been teaching me recently. But since my emotions typically speak best through song lyrics, that seems like a good place to begin.

Maybe you're familiar with the heartbreakingly beautiful song Stay by Rihanna featuring Mikky Ekko. The melancholy tone of the music is evident right from the first piano phrase. But the most hopeless part of the song comes during the bridge, when they sing, "The reason I hold on...cause I need this hole gone." In other words, the reason that these two can't give up their relationship - even though it doesn't seem like a good one -  is because there's an emptiness inside each of them that they believe the other person can fill. 

As much as I wish it wasn't the case, if I'm honest, I think the reason why that phrase has seemed so hopeless is because I have often felt exactly the same way - that there is an inexplicable hole in my heart that refuses to be filled, and all I want is for that hole to just go away. And if I'm even more honest, I have often believed that the only way for that emptiness to be truly filled is with the love of another person. So the way I've frequently taught myself to endure the emptiness is by telling myself that if I can just wait long enough for the man of my dreams to love me, pursue me, and marry me, then that's when the emptiness will finally be gone. That's when my hands will finally be warm, because I will finally be truly loved enough to heat my cold heart. 

As I reflected upon this emptiness, I reminded myself that I, of course, couldn't depend upon another person to fill the hole in my heart and that I must look to Jesus to do so. But since I'd been a Christian for a while, yet the emptiness still remained, it made me wonder why it wasn't working - why wasn't Jesus filling the hole in my heart? 

After some time, it occurred to me that maybe I was part of the problem. Maybe the reason that Jesus wasn't filling the emptiness was because I was still frantically intent on filling it with other things, and as long as I attempted to do so, that hole would never be filled. And I would never live the life God created me for - to love and worship Him above all other things and to love others as Jesus did. 

So I decided to try something. I wasn't really sure what it would even be or what it would look like. But I knew that something had to change.  I had to change. And considering how the Lord changes human hearts, I knew it had to involve repentance. And I knew that it would specifically have to involve fighting against my relationship idol. So that's what I decided to focus on. Here's how: 

Each day, for the past month or so, I've been reflecting on 1 Corinthians 7:34-35, "And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord." So as I've been praying, I make it a point to pray that the Lord would help me to make it my aim to be holy in body and spirit and to help me have a heart of undivided devotion to Him. 

At the end of each day, in order to ensure that I am making repentance a priority, I have been taking time to write down my prayers of repentance on little note cards. I specifically focus on asking His forgiveness for the ways I have not chosen to love Him with undivided devotion or have not made it my main aim to be holy. And I ask the Lord to radically change my heart and my life.

Then I ask Him to burn my bridges down.

Here's when some more lyrics come into play. 

My roommate Tori and I have been in a phase where we listen to OneRepublic's Native album on repeat. And there's one song in particular that has deeply impacted me. It's called Burning Bridges. Check it out:

"You and I were meant to be
Ain't no doubt about it
No way to hide that sort of thing
Now I’m waiting for something better
Ain't nothing better worth imagining

I, I keep on running
I’m building bridges that I know you never wanted
Look for my heart
You stole it away
Now on every single road that I could take
Listen, I want you to burn my bridges down
I said, I want you to burn my bridges down
Set me on Fire
You set me
Set me on Fire
You can burn my bridges down"

Honestly, I'm not totally sure why Ryan Tedder wanted to sing about this. But one thing I'm sure of is that these lyrics have really challenged me in my relationship with God. Because they have helped take me to the next level in truly seeking a lifestyle of deep repentance. Let me explain. 

If my relationship with God is an exclusive relationship where He's meant to be the number one love of my life, then for me to search for something better, run away from Him, and look for satisfaction and fulfillment in other places by "building bridges" to worship things that God never intended me to worship, then that's a real problem.  That's sin and idolatry. But in His goodness, He very lovingly chases me down as I'm running away from Him. And most of the time, I continue to fight against Him to try to get what I want. Typically, I don't pray for Him to take the things that I'm worshipping away from me; instead I pray that He would let me have them. Or I don't pray about them at all. I just build my life around getting what I want. 

So that's why a prayer that God would "burn my bridges down," or take my idols away, has become a crucial part of my repentance. Then when I see things going opposite to what I would like, it seems much more obvious that God is answering my prayers and that He's helping me to stop worshipping idols in order that I would worship Him with a heart that's set on fire with love for Him. 

Now, I make no claims that I'm an expert in repentance or having any of this figured out, but the fact that Jesus died for moral failures like me gives me confidence that I will be fully accepted by the Lord despite my best attempts to be holy, and it frees me to pursue Him all the more. So I do think I've truly seen a change in my life over the past month. The Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead has been working to bring life to my once dead heart so that I now have a heart that is increasingly intent on trusting and loving Him. Where there was hopelessness, there is now joy and contentment. And my circumstances haven't changed. It's just that the Lord has given me a renewed commitment to the fact that I would ultimately rather have Him crush my idols than for Him to simply let me have what I want, only to let me find that the hole in my heart still remains. He must be my source of life. That's the way He intended it to be. He even died that I could have true life through Him. (John 10:10-11) And what's funny is the more time I've spent asking the Lord to change me rather than trying to get the things that I want, the less I've even been aware of that hole. Maybe there's something to this repentance thing after all...

So thankful that He's insistent upon burning my bridges down and reminding me that 

Loving Him is Red!

In what ways have you dealt with your own hole in your heart?

What has worked to fill the emptiness?

What would it look like to take steps of repentance and ask the Lord to "burn your bridges down"?

Breathtaking Beauty

This past week has been a particularly busy one. And I already told you about being weary and worn. So whenever I end up driving somewhere alone, it's like the floodgates just open and the tears come rushing out. (Don't be worried, Mom...I make sure that I'm still driving safely.) I think it must be that there's finally a little time to think about more than just the next thing on my list, and then all the emotions that have been pushed to the side just refuse to be contained anymore. 

Plus, in my extra weakened state, I've been making it a point to listen to Christian music more than usual to get some extra reminders of truth. And sometimes, it's like those songs perfectly describe how I'm feeling and exactly what I'm going through. (I'm not even sure how it happens, except that God is in control.) So the other evening as I was driving to a friend's house, that's just what happened. Every song personally resonated with my situation. And it was great. Because it allowed me to call out to God for His help and strength in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).      

But then something happened that I wasn't expecting.

You know when the moon appears bigger, brighter, and closer than usual? That night, as I continued to drive, I spotted such a moon, just for a split second, before it darted back behind the clouds. But that second of breathtaking beauty was all I needed. It literally made me gasp out loud. In that moment, that big, beautiful moon was like a beacon of hope for my soul. Not that the moon could give me any hope, in and of itself, but it reminded me that it had a Creator - that I have a Creator, who loves me (Psalm 19).

And if that moon wasn't enough of a reminder, these were the words of the song that was playing on the radio right at that very moment:

"It would have been easy
But I'm glad You never walked away
Cause Your love runs deep for me
And I see this beautiful world
And it brings tears in my eyes
And I think it's beautiful to be free

All I can do is thank You
For this life I never deserved
Wanna thank You for the grace
I know I don't have to earn
You love me, You love me
Your mercy is proof
All I can do is say thank You
All I can do is say thank You"

 As you can imagine, the floodgates opened even more. But my tears were transformed from tears of exhaustion and sadness to tears of thankfulness and joy in the knowledge and experience of God's red love for me. He didn't have to create this amazingly beautiful world. He didn't have to create me. He didn't have to make a way for me to have a relationship with Him. He didn't have to send His Son to die on my behalf. And I certainly never earned it or deserved it. He didn't have to let me experience the breathtaking view of the moon that night. He didn't have to let me hear that song or line up the words so perfectly. But He did. And it was just the reminder that I needed. And all I could do was be thankful - thankful for this beautiful world that reflects and declares God's glory and the amazing grace of God toward me in Jesus (Ephesians 1:3-10).

Just in case all this wasn't enough of a reminder for me, guess what song was playing on the radio as I left my friend's house that night...yep...the exact same song. God's timing couldn't be more bafflingly perfect. 

Most certainly, Loving Him is Red. 

How has the Lord reminded you of His beauty and love at just the right moment?

Real Suffering, Real Repentance

This week I cried...a lot... That happens sometimes. But it didn't necessarily feel like there were more sad things happening than usual. So I found myself crying even when I felt like I was pretty much fine. As I tried to explain how I was feeling to friends and even to myself, the best that I could come up with was that I just felt very tired. 

In the midst of those tearful moments, I realized that there have been a couple of long term struggles that have really just been wearing on me - one being singleness. As I had been dealing with these same struggles this Spring, I had taken some time to pretty much exclusively listen to The Struggle album, by Tenth Avenue North, on repeat. I remembered appreciating that album because it's real - real life, real sadness, real suffering, real struggles. So I figured that it might be a good idea to take some time to listen again. One song, Worn, seemed particularly applicable. 

As I listened to the words, I felt as though they almost perfectly reflected how I was feeling. So I was reminded that I wasn't alone in my weariness - that other people go through these struggles too. And even more than that, I was reminded that "redemption wins," that "the struggle ends," and that God "can mend a heart that's frail and torn!" Things will not be this way forever! In the end, God will make everything right! 

And that comforted me. It really did. 

But as I continued to listen to the album, I realized something else. 

I realized that sometimes I give my sadness to God and take comfort in His loving promises to make all the pain and struggles go away, but then miss the opportunity to really and truly consider how my heart is still worshiping other things besides Jesus and to really and truly repent. And then I remembered one of the other reasons why I love this album. It's a real and honest crying out to God, but in a way that doesn't ignore repentance.   

Because if the only comfort we get from God is that things are going to get better, then we miss the beauty of what God wants to do in and through us, sometimes particularly through suffering. He wants to transform us, make us new, give us new desires, help free us from our selfishness and our lust for all the things of this world that we were never meant to worship. God always has a redemptive plan in the midst of our suffering.

And often in the midst of my struggles, such as prolonged singleness, I can get so focused on getting the desire that my heart is set on (like marriage) that I ignore the opportunity to submit my desires to Him. And then I stop relentlessly asking myself about the ways I continue to love other things more than I love Him, when really I need to be all the more relentless in questioning my easily deceived heart. What that shows is that I am quite adept at making my relationship with Jesus completely about getting what I want, instead of realizing that I already have what I want - Jesus Himself - and He deserves my worship.

It's almost as though I still chase after all the vain things that I used to...but now I just pray for them more and find comfort in the fact that God loves me more than I previously realized. But The Lord wants so much more for me than that. Why should I keep chasing after shadows when He actually wants to free me from the pursuit of things that won't satisfy so I can be satisfied in Him?

Thankfully, my hope isn't in how well I repent. Then I would still be hopeless to ever get it right. But I do have a real and living hope in Jesus (1 Peter 1:3). He does all things well. He trusted His Father perfectly in the midst of the suffering He took on to revive us from the death we had chosen for ourselves. He is our salvation, our power and example for change:

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry" (1 Peter 4:1-3).

Jesus suffered during His time on earth, and so do we. And since His Spirit lives in us as Christians, He goes through it all with us, accomplishing His perfect plan to rescue us from the futile way of life we lived before and toward which we're so prone drift.  

I know that I've already spent enough time chasing other things. 

And it might be hard to fight that tendency. 

And it might be tiring. But it's worth it. 

Because Loving Him is Red. 

What struggles and sufferings are you facing that have left you feeling worn?

What does it look like to both cry out to God and choose to look for opportunities for repentance?

Nightmare Induced Thankfulness

Last night, I had a crazy dream...pretty much a nightmare. 

You should know that my most frequently recurring nightmare is one in which I somehow end up marrying someone I don't actually want to marry. And I usually have no idea how it even happened. And I just want to get out of it. But I can't. This was one such dream.

I guess it was good in some ways. So I'll start there. In the dream, I was pregnant. It might not seem immediately apparent as to why this is a good thing. This hasn't been my lifelong aspiration or anything. In fact, the whole idea of having babies kind of freaks me out. You can ask my best friend from my childhood years: she wanted to have babies, while I was content with the cuteness of baby Christmas trees. Seriously.

Recently though, I've been spending some time with two of my close friends, who are both expectant mothers. I still can't believe it in some ways, since we all just seem too young - like we're still pretty much children, ourselves. But we're not children. We're adults. 

And it can tend to feel like these friends are moving through the life stages without me - that I've been left behind. Because if I'm still single, and they're already married and starting to have kids, that means I'm trailing them by two whole life stages! In the dream, though, I had caught up to them somehow, and that's what made it good. It seemed like my friends and I were on the same page again - that we could share this experience together.

 The thing was, we weren't actually on the same page at all. In the dream, I was married, but I had gotten married secretly. So I didn't get to have the beautiful wedding that I had always dreamed of, or like those I had been to for my friends. I didn't even have an engagement ring. I don't think my husband even had a job. And I wasn't married to a godly, Christian man like my friends were. I had chosen to marry a non-Christian. That's why the marriage was a secret. And that's why the dream was a nightmare.

The happy feeling of being in the same life stage as my friends totally faded away. All I could think of was, "How do I get out of this? I can't get out of this! My life is ruined! This really isn't the person that I wanted to marry! And now I'm pregnant... My dreams for my life are totally crushed. How did I even get myself into this situation? And how did I manage to do all this in secret, without anyone stopping me? How is it possible that I could make such terrible, life-altering decisions?"

Suddenly, I woke up. I realized that I hadn't, in fact, ruined my life. I wasn't married. I wasn't pregnant. My nightmare was not my present reality. And in many ways, the dream left me strangely thankful for the major decisions I had already made in life, though they have led me to a life stage that is different than that of my close friends. Sure, I may not be in the same life stage as those friends now, but that's ok. I can still be friends with them! Plus, I get to see what they do and learn from their mistakes :) 

I'm also thankful that though I was headed in the direction of making this nightmare into a reality, God intervened in my life! All by His own power, He called me out of my foolishness, shame, weakness, lowliness, and made me His own (1 Corinthians 1:26-31). He got my attention and showed me that Jesus was much more valuable than all the other things I had been pursuing. He even showed me that on the cross, Jesus took on my worst nightmare so that I would never have to face it! He put me in a community of people who care about me enough to ask me hard questions, who challenge me when I'm stubbornly clinging to my sin instead of to Jesus, who confront me when I'm thinking about making terrible, life-altering decisions. And the Lord has definitely shown me that His plans are better than mine. 

So I really don't know what God has in store for me in the future. I do know, however, that it won't be like a nightmare. And things might not go the way I would have chosen. But He has already protected me from myself and my own ridiculous plans on so many occasions. Now, I'm even starting to wonder if He gives me those nightmares sometimes in order to make me more thankful that He doesn't always let me have what I want. Because honestly, often what I think I want is actually the opposite of all the good He wants to demonstrate to me. And I would rather choose His plan than the nightmare I would come up with.

So thankful that He can rescue us from our own personal nightmares and that

Loving Him is Red!

What does it look like for you to trust Jesus as friends move on to different life stages?

How has the Lord shaped better plans for you than you tried to make for yourself?