Piece by Piece

Over the past few months I have felt more broken than maybe ever before… At times, I honestly wasn't sure if I could bear it. But I'm hopeful that all of this brokenness is on it's way to becoming something good. Here's what I've been thinking about.

It's hard to deny that Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson is a powerfully emotional ballad. I mean, who wasn't in tears after watching her performance on American Idol?!? The stripped down piano-based version, along with the extremely personal lyrics, and the vulnerability of her singing all lend a poignant rawness that is particularly appropriate for the topic she has taken on in this song. 

I resonated with the lyrics right away. With each listen, I felt more and more like she understood my life - like I wasn't alone in my feelings of being shattered in pieces. The words "I begged you to want me, but you didn't want to" felt all too real to my experience. And there was no use holding back the fountain of tears that came with, "Back then I didn't have anything you needed so I was worthless." Her words encapsulated the feelings and fears I had carried with me for so long. And she articulated them in such a way that made it impossible for me to ignore them.    

But though she was singing about how her father's departure left her in pieces, she was also singing about a man who came along and loved her - who collected all those pieces and put her back together. And that was something I couldn't relate to. Though there have been times when I have felt like God has restored me, a lot of the time, I just don't feel put back together. I still feel broken. But the longing to be put back together, to have what she describes…that goes down to the very depths of my heart. 

So I found myself with mixed emotions. I was happy for her that she had someone in her life who was restoring that picture of what a man should be like. And even more than that, I was glad that he could show her what God is really like. We teach each other so much about who God is, and when we love, we show others the very heart of God (1 John 4:12). But I also began to feel like maybe that's what I needed. Maybe that's what was missing. Maybe that's why I was still broken. Maybe if I could just find the right man to stick with me and show me what love is really like - then I could be whole too… But that didn't seem right either. Whether it's with Kelly or with me, the promise of "he'll never walk away" is not a guarantee. All of us are too fragile. Even when we have the best of intentions, we all fail in some way or another, even accidentally. And then there's the fact that all of us die… We just can't avoid it. Finding another person to restore you is not secure enough to truly provide real and lasting healing.  

Even as I began to grapple through the feelings of unwantedness and worthlessness like she describes in the song, I found myself spiraling into a pit that seemed unending. I just couldn't bear it if those things were true. Those things could not define me. It was too painful to even think about. I needed them to be contradicted. I hoped that the validation and affirmation from my other relationships would help outweigh that internal sinking feeling…but it didn't work. It never works. I ended up feeling even more alone, more broken, more hopeless. And that's when I began to realize and started to admit to myself that maybe we're all too broken to actually offer each other the healing we really need.

In so many ways, I'm just like ancient Israel - looking to other people and kingdoms to do the impossible:

"When Ephraim saw his sickness,
    and Judah his wound,
then Ephraim went to Assyria,
    and sent to the great king.
But he is not able to cure you
    or heal your wound." Hosea 5:13

No one else can heal us. The deepest healing that our broken souls need cannot come from other people. It just can't. We don't have the cure in and of ourselves. Because the thing of it is, I may be unbelievably broken, but so is everybody else. Our lives may be cracked and fractured in different places, but we're still all shattered in one way or another. We're all broken. We need something more. Our wounds are far too deep to be bound by any human. 

Real brokenness demands a real Savior. 

There's just no way around it. I have searched with all my might to find another route to healing, and they all come up short… And isn't that so often what it takes for us to see what's right in front of us? We have to try every other option to see that it doesn't work. And then, when we've come to the end of the line, we finally come to our senses. We need God. 

"  I will return again to my place,

    until they acknowledge their guilt and seek my face,
    and in their distress earnestly seek me.

“Come, let us return to the Lord;
   for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
  he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.” Hosea 5:15-6:1

I wish I could say that the healing happens instantaneously. But it doesn't. I wish I could say I've finally learned my lesson to stop chasing after other things to do what only God can. But I can't. I'm still broken. I'm still going to fail. But I do know that God is not going to give up on me. He is committed. He's not leaving. If I was worthless to Him, He never would have sent His most prized possession - His own Son - to the cross on my behalf. And so I have hope that He's going to keep putting me back together piece by piece, little by little, from one degree of glory to the next (2 Cor 3:18).

Loving Him is Red!

What things do you tend to run to in order to look for healing?

In what ways has Jesus begun to heal you piece by piece?

*Hi Dad, if you ever end up reading this, I want you to remember that I have already forgiven you. I know you're just like me - broken. I know how easy it is to look everywhere besides God to find healing for a broken heart. That's what we do. You, me, everyone... I'm not writing this to hurt you or make you look bad - I just know there are other people out there like Kelly, like me, who are struggling through the aftermath of having an absent father, and I want them to know they're not alone and that healing is possible - even if it takes a long time. If you're still looking for healing too, I hope that you find it in Jesus - little by little - piece by piece.