Breaking the Bonds of Disordered Eating

No one wakes up thinking, "Today I want to become enslaved…"

It doesn't happen that way. It's more gradual. Little by little. Choice by choice. Thought by thought. Until you're completely trapped by the cycle that you're stuck in. Utterly obsessed with an impossible goal. A goal that promises so much…

But the promise is a lie. The thinner you get, the more dissatisfied you feel. The more flaws you notice. The more you plunge into despair that you could never make your body look the way you hoped. So your body becomes nothing more than a slave to your thoughts - a slave to the lies you believe. 

And you would give anything to get out of it. But you don't know how. You want to be free, but you can't even imagine what that would even feel like or how you could get there. So you sink into hopelessness, feeling like there's no way out. And you certainly can't tell anyone about it, because you're sure that no soul alive could possibly understand the turmoil you're in. 

But by the sheer fact that you're reading this, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's felt this way…

Over the years, my struggle has manifested itself in different ways. And I could write all about it. It would probably be therapeutic for me. But I'm not sure that this blog post is the best context for that. So I'll just share what the struggle looks like for me these days…

You see, I have these conflicting desires. They're at war. They fight for control of my life. And they're things that I desire more than I love God. (James 4:1-10). On the one hand, I think food is really great. I like it. I like the way it tastes. I like that it quells my hunger. I like the experience of trying different things at different places. I like the freedom I have to enjoy it. But on the other hand, I like to be thin. I like to see how small I look in the mirror. I like the way my clothes fit. And the lower the number on the tag of my jeans, the more confident I feel. And that's not even mentioning all the positive feedback I receive from the people around me.  

Most of my life has been a pendulum swing between the two extremes of these desires. And most of the time, I don't really think about how to be healthy or honor God with my body. Sometimes I believe that the only true way to be happy and beautiful and loved and successful is to be thin. And so I obsess about what I eat. I think ahead about every meal and snack - what's allowed and what's not. I obsess about exercising, sometimes multiple times a day. I obsess over the progress I'm making by weighing myself frequently, looking in the mirror, and trying on smaller sized clothes just to see if they fit. 

But then I begin to hate that life. I don't want to deal with the never ending list of restrictions and rules. They feel like slavery to me. And I just can't take it anymore. Plus the results aren't even good enough. I still don't look perfect. So I give up. And I start to believe that if I lift all of the restrictions that seemed so oppressive, then I will be able to find true freedom. So I just eat what I want, when I want. But strangely enough, that doesn't seem to leave me feeling happy or satisfied either. And then I'm just sad, uncomfortable, and ashamed for the weight that I've gained - for the weight that must make me repulsive to all who see me, including myself. So I plunge even further into despair. And this "freedom" feels like slavery too. 

At the point of feeling utterly hopeless, out of control, and too ashamed to talk to anyone about it, that's when I know I need to let someone else in on how bad things really are…on how much I'm really struggling… (1 John 1:5-10)

Because otherwise, these lies that seem so true to me in the moment, will continue to grow in my mind. They will tell me I'm alone, that there's no hope, that I should give up. But when I honestly share my struggles with someone else, they can help expose these thoughts for what they truly are - lies. And that's where the shining light of hope can break through the darkness I've been living in.

So my battle is not really with food. My battle is not really with the mirror. My battle is against the lies I so easily believe about the way to find true fulfillment, love, and happiness apart from God. My battle is against the idols I've chosen to worship - food or my body. So my body is not really my enemy. But I do have a true enemy who loves to feed those lies, who loves to spur on my idolatry, who loves to keep me in the dark. 

Friends, I would be remiss if I didn't mention something that I often forget: Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44). He loves eating disorders. He loves death and destruction. He loves keeping people enslaved. In our fight for freedom, we don't just battle against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:11-12). Our battle is against the very powers of Hell. 

And what Satan would love more than anything is for me and you to get so fixated on worshipping this present physical life (i.e. what we eat or how we look) that we miss the very fact that there's anything happening in the spiritual realm. When we get obsessed with this physical life, we miss the greater, deeper, eternal things that are far more significant and far more satisfying. We get so busy dwelling on things that are only temporary that we miss life itself - we miss truly knowing Jesus. 

Here's how Jesus addressed a group of people who were more fixated on the physical bread He gave them than on finding Him - true bread - true life:

"Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world. I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.” (John 6:27, 33, 35, 47-51).

Jesus is the bread of life. And He died that we might have life through Him. There is food that perishes and food that endures. And giving myself unabashedly to pursuing my ideal of perfection in my physical body is food that perishes. It may satisfy temporarily, but never ultimately.  And physical food can only sustain for a while. But allowing myself to eat without restrictions will never fill the hunger my soul has for something more substantial. Jesus is the food for my soul. Knowing Him and believing in His life, death, and resurrection can energize, fuel, sustain and satisfy eternally - and on the deepest level. Knowing Jesus is real life now and forever. 

And when I know Him, He gives me His Spirit to live inside of me - the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead (Romans 8:11) - the same Spirit that triumphed over Satan as Jesus broke the bonds of sin and death through the power of His resurrection! So if Jesus already defeated Satan, and I have that power living inside of me, then Satan's lies need not have any power over me. He that is in me is greater than he who is in the world, and He can free me from this slavery (1 John 4:4).

Friends, eating disorders kill - not just physically, but they kill our spirits. Satan came to kill, steal, and destroy. But Jesus came to bring life to the full (John 10:10). Let's fight for life! Let's fight for freedom! And no matter how hard, or how hopeless it may seem, let's never give up! 

Who's with me?

Loving Him is Red!

If you or someone you know can relate with the things I shared here, please please please talk to someone about it! Talk to me, talk to a trusted friend, call a hotline, just talk to someone! The only way to truly loose this battle is to give up...and it's harder to lose all hope, when you have friends to help you fight the lies! You don't have to struggle alone! There is hope!

February 22-28 is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. For more info check out: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

The Valentine's Verdict

Throughout my time in high school, I looked forward to Valentine's Day for one reason, and one reason only: the flowers. 

But it's taken me til now to understand the reason why...

You see, my school managed the obscene amount of Valentine's deliveries by turning our lobby into a botanical wonderland - a repository for the endless number of bouquets that were sent to the school throughout the day. All in all, the protocol was pretty straightforward: If you happened to be dating someone when Valentine's day rolled around, you could be sure to receive a note in class telling you that you could pick up your flowers at the end of the day. But if you couldn't wait til then, you could at least try to catch a glimpse of your flowers on your way to lunch.  

I had been through the process enough times to know the drill, by the time I reached my senior year. And since I had been dating a guy for a few months, I was fairly certain that there would be flowers waiting for me in the lobby that day.

My lunch was scheduled for the earliest time slot, so I wasn't too worried after perusing the flower area to no avail. But as the hours ticked by, I became more and more unsettled. Class after class and still no trace of my flower note! Panic mode began to set in. It was unfathomable to me to think that my boyfriend didn't know to send me flowers…this was Valentine's Day after all… And then a horrifying thought crossed my mind: "Maybe he sent them to my house…"

The idea was almost too absurd to really even consider. "He wouldn't have had them delivered to my house!" I thought. "He went to this school for four years. He knows how the system works. He has to know that my flowers should be delivered to me at school..."

Yet as the final bell rang, I left my last class empty handed… And then I began to fume. Though I felt slightly relieved after coming home to a vase of lovely red roses, my anger was still not abated. Clearly, there was much more wrapped up in these flowers than I ever realized…

It wasn't just that I wanted flowers. I got them. And it wasn't even that I wanted a specific type of flower from a boy on Valentine's Day. I got that too. What I really wanted was for him to send me flowers in a way that everyone would see. Somehow, these flowers were supposed to publicly declare to the world that I was unquestionably and undeniably loved.   

Unfortunately, I didn't have the insight to recognize the great significance I was placing on these flowers. So things only grew worse in college...

My college was small enough to deal with Valentine's deliveries in almost the exact same way as my high school - except the note went to your mailbox. So all the flowers went to the info desk in the lobby of the student union. Botanical wonderland 2.0. But early in my college career, I made the decision that my days as a serial dater needed to come to an end. And you'll never guess what was one of the hardest things about it for me: the fact that there would be no flowers waiting for me in the lobby on Valentine's Day…

Sometimes I even preferred to avoid the lobby altogether. What used to be a stroll through a botanical wonderland became a walk of shame. Those flowers taunted me with every step. Each bouquet seemed to call out - "I'm not for you! I'm for girls with boyfriends - girls who are loved. How foolish you are to not to have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. Don't you know that means no one loves you?! Everyone knows that!" Their screams felt so loud that they were almost more than I could bear.

Yet even if I had been able to avoid the taunts of those Valentine's flowers, I wouldn't have ever been able to evade the plethora of other things that continued to call out to me on a daily basis… Engagement rings. Relationship statuses. Wedding photos. You name it. Those things have all told me that they are the undeniable evidence that I am unloved. And I believed them. But I don't want to listen to them anymore. 

I am learning to listen to the blood of Jesus. His blood speaks better, louder, and more accurately than anything else in this world (Hebrews 12:24). It never taunts or mocks me. It does the exact opposite. It tells me it has cleansed me from all my shame and unrighteousness and that there is no condemnation left for me (1 John 1:5-10, Romans 8:1). It tells me I am fully loved, fully accepted. Always and forever.

So my real problem never had anything to do with flowers, Valentine's Day, boyfriends, or even what the rest of the world was thinking about me. My real problem was that I didn't really and truly believe that I was unquestionably and undeniably loved. So my life was a search for proof. 

But this past year, I began to believe, not just with my head, but in my heart, that my search was over. I began to believe that Jesus is the only proof I need to know I'm truly loved, and it has made me view Valentine's Day - and every other day - in a whole new way. 

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I can't look to Valentine's Day to give me a verdict of whether I'm loved or not. The real verdict is already in. Jesus died in my place. And then He came back to life. His sacrifice worked. And His blood speaks of what He's done. That's the proof. I am unquestionably, undeniably, irrevocably loved. No other evidence is needed. Case closed. End of story.

And here's the freeing part - when you truly believe that you are undeniably, unquestionably, irrevocably loved, you won't be thinking about what everyone else thinks of you. You won't need the world to know that you're loved. You won't be thinking about yourself at all. You'll just be. You'll just enjoy the better-than-life love of your Savior (Psalm 63:3). You'll bask in it. You'll taste and see it's goodness (Psalm 34:8). You'll savor it. And as you do, the love of Jesus will overflow onto everyone else in your life (John 4). Isn't that the love you want? The kind of love you want to share with the world? 

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us" (1 John 4:7-12).

So friends, let's not look to Valentine's Day to tell us who we are. Let's let the love of Jesus define us in every way, regardless of our circumstances, regardless of the day.

Because on Valentine's Day and every day - Loving Him is Red!

* Tim Keller's sermon, Blessed Self-Forgetfulness, has been instrumental in helping me come to these conclusions. I never realized that I could be free from the turmoil that I used to think was just a normal part of my life until mediating on the truths he shares from 1 Corinthians 3, 4, and 13. If you want to learn more about how to stop looking to other things to give you the verdict of whether or not you are loved, I would highly recommend listening to it! And listening to it multiple times!


* Want to believe what God says about you, but feel like you're living in silence? Check out last year's Valentine's Day post - Say Something, I'm Giving Up on Valentine's Day.