Say Something, I'm Giving Up on Valentine's Day

I'm pretty sure I was destined to be a hopeless romantic. I was even supposed to be born on Valentine's Day. And it happens to be a holiday that I love. 

But it is a bit of a challenge for a hopeless romantic and recovering affirmation junkie to be ok with the fact that no man will be declaring his love for me on Valentine's Day, or any other day, for that matter. I just want someone to tell me I'm loved, that I'm beautiful, that I'm worth fighting for…  

I think that's why the song Say Something by A Great Big World* has recently resonated with me so deeply. The melancholy tone of the piano and string arrangement is perfectly paired with the devastating lyrical repetition of "say something, I'm giving up on you."  The song is truly a heartbreaking and beautifully humble plea for the singer's love to be returned. He just wants his lady to tell him that she loves him, to give him a reason to stay. The problem is…there's no answer, no declaration of love at the song's end. Just silence...

And that's the silence I often live in. I hear other men declaring their love for the ladies around me. But none do for me. And it makes me wonder. Is there something wrong with me? Am I too ugly? Am I not godly enough? Am I too much of something and too little of something else? What is wrong with me? Am I really and truly unloved?

In the midst of all this questioning, what I want is for some godly guy to just say something to stop me from this downward spiral, to tell me that I'm wrong and that I am loved by him. 

But it turns out I keep waiting for the wrong person to say something. I keep listening for the wrong voice. The Lord is the one who is constantly saying something to me. 

Here's what He said recently:

"You couldn't hear me over all the other voices, so I decided to quiet them. Are you listening?

I think that you are the most lovely and beautiful of all women (Song of Solomon 1:8). I love you. I created you. There is no one like you, and I am glad to call you my own (Isaiah 43:1). Don't ever forget it. Don't let the other voices drown me out. Because they will come, and they will scream loudly, but what I have spoken is the truth (John 17:17).  Don't forget it. Put away your jealousy, your pride, your anger, your bitterness (Ephesians 4:31). They have no place for a woman who fears me. But if you humble yourself, I will exalt you (James 4:10). I promise you this, and that means I will surely do it. 

I love you (Isaiah 43:4). More than you know. I died to rescue you, to get you, and I'm not giving up on you now. I will never give you up (Hosea 11:8). Come to me and I will give you the words of eternal life to restore your weary soul (John 6:68, Psalm 19:7). Don't let them go. Keep them in your heart always (Psalm 119:11, Deuteronomy 11:18). I love you. Nothing can change that. Not height nor depth, not angels nor demons, not life not death or anything else in all creation will be able to separate you from the love I have for you that's found in Jesus Christ (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing. So don't be afraid. 

You are loved. Always. Nothing can change that. Nothing. So don't run away. What you're looking for is here, with me. Come to me, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28). Don't run. Just stay. I love you. More than words. So let your words be few, and keep listening (Ecclesiastes 5:2). I'm always ready to speak, to lavish my love on you (1 John 3:1, Ephesians 1:4-8). You're the one who hasn't been listening. But listen now (Hebrews 12:25). I am ready to show you love you've never known, love you could only even dream of (Ephesians 3:19). It's here. It's with me. Stay with me. Abide in me (John 15). Life is found here. You find your life when you lose it (Matt 10:39). So let it go. Give it up. Don't try to hold onto it. Pour out your life like a drink offering to me (Philippians 2:17, 2 Timothy 4:6). I will honor it, I promise (John 12:26). You will not be put to shame (Isaiah 54:4). Anything you give up, I will give back to you one hundred times as much (Mark 10:29-30). 

Don't worry. I will take care of you. I am watching over your life. You don't have to be afraid with me (Matthew 6:25-34). Just trust. You can trust me. I will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). I have given you everything you need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). You have it. Use it. Pursue it. Pursue me like I have pursued you. Never let me go. Stay with me til I have blessed you. Wrestle with me (Genesis 32:24-26). Just stay with me. Don't run away. I love you. Always. Nothing can change that. Nothing. Nothing can change who you are. Your identity is wrapped up in me. Embrace it. Savor it. This is my heart poured out for you. This is my body broken for you. This is my blood spilled for you (Luke 22:19-20). This is my love. 

In this is love, not that you loved me, but that I loved you and gave up my life, gave up my son for you (1 John 4:10). There is no greater love than this that someone lay down his life for his friends. You're my friend. Keep my commands (John 15:13-14). That's how I know you love me (John 14:15). So stay. Stay in my love. Don't run. Don't leave. Stay. I want to show you real love. I have it. It's here. It's for you. It's real. It can never be broken. Take a chance and don't ever look back. Don't go back to your old life (Ephesians 4:17-24). Don't long for those other adoring voices to sing your praises. They mean nothing. They can't give you life. They can't give you hope. So stop fighting me. I have what's best for you. I promise. And it's here. Love is here." 

So if you're like me, and you just want someone to tell you you're loved this Valentine's Day, listen for the voice that's always speaking. Store up God's Word in your heart. If you ask Him to say something to you, He will. He won't remain silent. That's why He has given us His Word and has ultimately spoken to us through His Son (Hebrews 1:2).

Because of Jesus, God wants to tell you that you're loved more than you could ever imagine. 

Will you listen?

On Valentine's Day and every day, Loving Him is Red!

* You may have heard the version of Say Something that features Christina Aguilera. I happen to be partial to the version I posted above, which doesn't feature any female vocals. I find that when I listen to the Christina version, I'm more apt to focus on the harmonies, but the original version allows me to focus more on the words and to feel the emotion of the song more poignantly. 

Confessions of an Affirmation Junkie

I have a confession to make. I'm a recovering affirmation junkie. Alright, well maybe you already figured it out. It's true…I often live for the applause - the glory that comes from man, rather than the glory that comes from God (John 12:43). But I didn't always know it was a problem. It was actually about 10 years ago to the day that God started to shake up my life in a major way to help reveal the fact that my need for the spotlight was actually deadly to myself and to my relationship with Him.

So let's go back into time.

The beginning of my high school career treated me better than I expected it to. Before high school, I never imagined that I would suddenly get attention from guys. I never anticipated that I would successfully audition to become one of the best singers in the school. And I certainly didn't expect to so quickly be given the chance to compete as one of my dance company's top dancers. But that's what happened. And I loved it. For the first time, I finally felt like people were seeing me how I wanted to be seen. So that's what I built my life around - boys and being the best.

So when I wanted to advance in my dance company, I worked harder than I ever had before. I exercised multiple times a day, ate the same things all the time, worked on strengthening my ankles, improving my balance, did crunches constantly, you name it…if my dance teachers suggested it, I did it. I gave up other activities I was interested in, because dancing was more important to me. It became part of my identity. It made me feel like I was something special. Like I was a star.

Then, during the fall of my junior year, tragedy struck. I unknowingly tore my ACL during a dance convention. It all happened so fast. Another dancer accidentally kicked me as we both jumped, and when I landed, the pain was so intense, I could hardly move. I basically had to crawl offstage. Though I had some trouble walking at first, I decided to simply proceed with the rest of the weekend as planned. I just didn't understand how badly I was injured. Even after going back to my regular dance classes, I was still in denial. Each time I tried to dance, I would end up on the floor, crying in agony.

So on Christmas Eve, I had an MRI. On New Year's Eve, I found out my ACL was torn. And my surgery was scheduled for February, right before Valentine's Day.

It felt like a terrible dream that I was going to wake from at any moment. All I could think was… "This just can't be real. This can't be happening. This kind of thing only happens to other people, not to me." My perfect life was caving in on me, and I couldn't find any way out. There was no way to fix it. No way to take it back. No way to work hard enough to recover on my own. Part of my very self was slipping away, and I was helpless to reclaim it. All that I had worked for…gone.

I honestly didn't know how I was going to deal with it. Any of it. The surgery. The rehab. I knew those would be horrible beyond measure. But worst of all - I dreaded the torturous act of sitting in the audience as my friends performed, knowing that I should be onstage with them. And yet…the show would go on without me.

My friends, family, and dance company were very supportive of course, and I'm so thankful for their love and encouragement. But I still felt alone. Like no one could understand the depth of the anguish that now filled my heart. I couldn't help but ask, "Why is God punishing me?"

But I couldn't hear an answer. In fact things got worse. After what felt like a few glorious successes during my senior year, my freshmen year of college plunged me into the depths once again. I didn't get into a single performing group at school. It was devastating. And I was desperate.

That's exactly where I needed to be though. God opened my eyes to the fact that He wasn't punishing me at all. He was loving me. He was pursuing me. So for the first time, He allowed me to see that I worshipped idols. And although those idols could make me feel good momentary, they would turn against me and leave me torn to pieces. But God's love was bigger than my idols. And He sent Jesus to die in my place.

And as He continues to show me His love, He hasn't stopped taking things away. Because He doesn't want me to just be desperate to reclaim all that He's taken from me. He wants me to become desperate for Him alone, since desperate people are the ones that God can save. Without a sense of complete and utter hopelessness in myself, I will just keep doing anything and everything I can to try to save myself, only to find that none of those things actually work.

Like Eminem sings about in his latest single, The Monster, what I really needed was someone to intervene, to save me from myself. Because the very things that I loved were killing me. And I didn't even know.

But God knew. And He sent Jesus to save me from myself. To intervene. To break into the life I had built around myself and to show me that a life that wasn't built around His sacrificial and redemptive love was a meaningless existence.

Now when I look at my 10 year old scars from my knee surgery, they remind me that He loved me enough to walk me through the darkest time of my life so far. Even when I ran from Him, He stayed with me, and continued to extend the opportunity for me to turn to Him, to repent. But without these hard things coming into my life, I would have never even known that I was a real sinner in need a real Savior.

As Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17).

Though I would never wish the terrors of an ACL injury (and more) upon anyone, I'm thankful that God loved me enough to take away the things that I loved most so that I would learn to love Him most.

So now, I still love singing. I still love dancing. And I hope that someday a godly man will want to make me his wife. But so much more than all of that…I love Jesus and sharing the truth of His gospel with the world. It's the most fulfilling thing I've ever experienced. But I never would have known that if God hadn't taken everything else away.

If God is taking away the things that you love, making you desperate, I implore you, don't run away from Him. Run to Him. Don't ignore the chance to repent. It's not too late to turn from the other things you're worshipping and turn to the Lord. Just admit that you've been running. Admit your sin. Jesus came to save sinners like you and me. And in His presence is life and fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).

For the broken, for the scarred, for the desperate…Loving Him is Red!